Days after Christmas every year when you have to put the ornaments away into their boxes where they live all year until Christmas comes again is the saddest day of the year, this day of the undressing of the trees.
Almost in tears when I dress the trees, revisiting all the ornaments that are reminders of years and people gone by, and making a celebration of the decorating and the reminiscing, I am emotional, but reasonably happy.
Unlike the dressing, the undressing is impossible to reconcile with a positive note. While the same reminders are there of folks you love, and memories that may just crush your heart, putting them all away, is like saying goodbye again to those memories and people who mean so much and live, still, inside you. Crushed and broken memories spring to mind while remnants of thin glass shards of German or Russian ornaments found in the bottom of the boxes remind me, too, of ornaments come and gone as well.
The missing ornaments have a voice, "where did you put me? Find me! Why was I over looked?"
"OH I am so sorry, I miss you, too , and I miss the memory of the one who gifted you to me, and I hope I still have you...somewhere!"
When I was married, my husband did something very special for me every year. He took down the tree, and put all the ornaments away, so I didn't have to ( or was it because I wouldn't? ) Oh well, I think he did it because it broke my heart to do so.
I recall now how we decorated the tree together." I," held the ornament out, and said, "here," and he took it from my hand and placed it where I said it should go on the tree.
I was soooo good at that!
It may have been the one of the most, "together," things we ever accomplished, and I remember it now, and sigh.
I still have some of the same boxes we used then that he brought home from work, that were sturdy electronics boxes, to secure the ornaments for storage.
This year, I broke almost all the German ornaments; squirrels, hearts, houses, Mary praying. I had three trees this year; my flocked oriental tree with those paper wheels and umbrellas, and pink gifted ornaments...AND....
The second I had waited many years to do, with real red roses, and red and blue birds, a partridge, and live baby's breathe, even some dried hydrangeas from Kims house..and a few chrystal ornaments and a few new purple ones. We bought blue and white lights for this tree! such a delightful tree! Oh Deck The Halls! I am ready once again for Christmas!
Finally, there was the one that fell over! Let me tell you about that: This year I didn't use a stand, rather, I used this green florist Styrofoam looking material and stuffed the tree into a small 6" ceramic pot. Stunning! They looked so good this way, in small decorative pots, with swirls in relief. Late one night, the tree fell over and busted many of my ornaments, even some that were Grandma's. I will cry over these henceforth.
I still have the reindeers that were Grandma's, and one metal bell, they don't break, so are minimally safe. I have the angels from years ago, and a new one, too, and I have ribbons and garlands of ribbons; crystal icicles, and wooden painted Scandinavian ornaments that are fairly safe from destruction., and the pink ornaments from Charlotte that appeared like a miracle to finish off my oriental tree one year, ( the oriental tree is one of my favorite designs, I did it years ago for a Chinese restaurant that was a client of mine back then).
I Still have my origami cranes that Iichiro made and sent with each letter he wrote me, and one origami crane from Kim, and all my little paper umbrellas and fans that are cheap, but precious. And where is that pearled ornament from that Sylvia I worked with Christmas one year long ago? Sylvia, I may be missing your ornament, but I will always remember you, and your sweet gift!
My precious ornaments from Doris, too, who died this year in March, I just now packed away. I miss you so much Doris, you were as much a Mother as I ever had. I still think of you every day, and love you. Hopefully there will be a reunion someday, but who really knows, maybe all we ever really get is right here, right now, with whomever, in this flash of time.
I think maybe I will just bonsai a tree and leave it up all year to remind me of this bittersweet love and loss that I feel now; as haunting as it is, it may well keep a perspective that is worth carrying on my shoulder all year long with all my loves right here in my heart, everyday.
